Christmas Letter 2008 with Picture

Dear friends and family,

A bunch of stuff happened to and around the Woolf family this year, over which we mostly had no control. This makes me contemplate my own insignificance in the universe and wonder, with existential melancholy, if human freewill is an illusion. But Merry Christmas anyway.

As most of you know, the evil Mormon plot to elect Mitt Romney president so we could enslave the gentiles and marry their 14 year old daughters failed miserable this last year. So I’ve had to continue my regular job as a physician. I have survived my first lawsuit (non-meritorious), my first recertification exam (passed) and administrative abuses (“What’s good for the syndicate is good for the country” - Milo, Catch-22). But even with looming pay cuts and tax increases, we’re still doing better than many. Besides, I have a years supply of food in my basement, a lot of guns, and tinfoil hats for my whole family. So, if needs be, we can just sit around and wait for the apocalypse.

Michelle is “Super Mom” and I am constantly amazed by her domestic super powers. (I try to get her to wear a Wonder Woman outfit around the house, but she won’t.) Her other official titles are “chief executive officer of household”, “queen of castle” and “car keys and wallet finder”. Without her I would still be a pathetic, subhuman primate, rolling around in my own filth. She also stays busy playing her harp and teaching voice lessons.

Whitney turned 5 this year and her pre-school education is progressing as planned. In fact, we have stressed the importance of education to her so much that now when she sees people kissing on TV or in movies she says, “Eww, not ‘til after college.” We hope we can keep this indoctrination up until she’s 25. She also started Irish dance classes this year and enjoys it very much.

Dane turned 1 in August. He is recovering nicely from his spadius turturis (shy turtle, retractable, fat-boy penis) and is healthy and happy. His interests include puppies (meaning any 4 legged animal), pushing computer buttons, stealing my cell phone, and eating toast.

We hope you all have a profitable Christmas and as much happiness in the new year as you deserve (a blessing and a curse).

Love,

The Woolfs